|
RubyGloomKitten
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Megan
Country: United States
State: Indiana
Metro: Southern Indiana
Birthday: 7/17/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Makeup, hair, fashion design, art, music, theatre, piercings, tattoos, shows/concerts, movies
Expertise: Cosmetology,Fashion Design, Art
Occupation: Artist/Cosmetologist/Fashion D
Industry: Beauty & Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
7/19/2003
|
|
| Today has probably been one of my worst days in a while. And it really has nothing to do with it being Valentine's Day. Honestly, I couldn't really care less about that.
It's just so hard to stay motivated when there are persistent obstacles being thrown in my way. It's like I take one step forward, two steps back, and I trip over a hurdle everytime I try to proceed.
Living at home doesn't help things. On the whole, I've been less stressed since I graduated back in November, but it gives me more time to worry. And that's always been a problem. Plus being home more often means I'm spending more time with my mom here, and I swear she is the cause of 98% of my anxiety problems. I can't take living here much longer. As soon as I start making better money, I'm out.
I'm trying to stay positive, but somedays aren't really worth the fight.
 | Currently listening :
Unbreakable
By Backstreet Boys
Release date: 30 October, 2007  |
| | |
| So I just finished watching the HBO documentary, "Thin," and felt compelled to write my thoughts, just anything really, and how it has affected me.
This is going to be a very honest, real post here.
"Thin" is a documentary showing Renfrew, a rehabilitation center for people with eating disorders. So much of it hit so close to home for me, on so many levels. I seriously feel like I have a knot in my stomach after having watched this. It's sickening. It's sickening for me to realize how much I have in common with the girls at the center, and how over the years, how warped my self-image and relationship with food+weight have become.
Part of the documentary are so frustrating, because the therapists talk to their patients like they are babies, spitting all this pyschoanalysis rainbows+butterflies bullshit garbage at them, trying to make things seem more hopeful I guess. Really, they seem to not even realize how hard it is to live like that, and yet how even more difficult seems a life that ISN'T like that.
The authorities at the Renfrew center even kicked out a couple patients, one because her insurance ran out and wouldn't cover anymore treatment costs, and the other because she "acted out" while in treatment. Both, in my opinion, are terrible reasons. Even after one patient's mother begged them to let her daughter stay, they refused and said there was nothing more they could do. I mean what kind of a facility does that? It's like saying "Sorry, please go die of your disorder because WE DON'T FUCKING CARE." It was so upsetting.
It's frustrating to me also because an eating disorder is anything but easy to talk about, which is why if anyone reads this, you'll know I rarely talk about my disorder in person, and usually only do so on here. I think a lot of my reasoning in that, is that people will automatically think you are doing it for attention, or faking it for attention. People with real disorders don't do this for attention. You don't choose a lifestyle that makes life so difficult. That, and talking about it just makes me upset to the point that I cry, and I hate crying in front of people. I honestly found many parts of this documentary very triggering to me. Parts of it made me feel so sick to my stomach, I wanted to throw up. It's so hard to grow up your whole life with such a feeling of disgust and guilt, and seeing it put right in front of my face is so hard. I somehow found a certain amount of comfort in the documentary itself, I guess because I can see these other girls, knowing that I've lived my whole life in that same exact mindset.
The girl I related to the most in the documentary was Brittany, a 15 year old girl who lost over a hundred pounds in a very short period of time by restricting. Her story really gets to me a lot, because it's like everything she says is the verbalization of every thought that has ever gone through my head since the third grade. If you watch the clip, it gets to the main points starting about 3:30 into the footage. The last minute of it, Brittany is talking in therapy with the other patients, and its so emotional and honest, and really shows, for me, what it's like to live like that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_ldGxTEScM
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/sad.gif) emotional
| | |
| I'm alive. Just so you know.
Life is good right now.
I just can't let my nerves get the best of me.
I take my state boards cosmetology license test on Feb. 12th.
I'm nervous as hell. Practice practice practice.
I'm doing a complete overhaul with the house. Cleaning and throwing out old shit.
It's a tedious process, but one that definitely needs to be done.
My dad fixed my disc drive/burner and printer. So now everything works the way it should. Yay!
I'm doing Weight Watchers again. Maybe this time I won't throw my hands up and actually stick it out.
All I'm looking for is a shred of sanity and some sort of control over my obsessiveness. We'll see. : /
"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
I believe in yesterday."
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/happy.gif) peaceful
Current Music: The Beatles
| | |
| This update is more for Randi than anyone else. :)
Life as a whole has been good lately.
I've been able to sleep a ton and work out more and that's been making me feel a lot healthier.
Since I graduated I've been able to work more and see my friends a lot more often.
The cycle has started again, but I don't feel sad about it this time. If anything, I feel in control. And that's such a relief.
I'm more determined than ever.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/determined.gif) determined
Current Music: Lily Allen
| | |
|
The past few weeks have been a chaotic emotional rollercoaster.
Last Thursday I was super stressed out about taking my mock state test at school, but I passed it.
The same night, Jocelen and I ventured to 4th Street Live and got to meet the Backstreet Boys at a charity event for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. They were taking pictures of them in groups of 15 fans. Kinda lame, but whatever. Stupid that 13 other bitches were gonna be cluttering up our picture. We wormed our way to the front rope so we could be first in our group. Joc ran over to AJ and I ran up to Nick. He hugged me and had his arm around me for like 5 minutes while they filed in the others for the picture. It was so awesome. They were chatting with us and stuff, but I think I was so excited and nervous that I just froze up and grinned like an idiot. Oh well. It was pretty awesome. And no matter what anyone says, they are still as adorable as ever.
Last Saturday I graduated from the Hair Design School! I'm so glad it's over. Ashton and Alexis decorated my station in Halloween stuff, complete with lights, a flashing pumpkin wreath, and a black cauldron full of sweettarts, laffy-taffy, and blow pops. After I clocked out for the last time at noon, I went out to eat at Hard Rock Cafe with my parents and a bunch of my friends from school. I love that place, and it's always cool when you know the employees, haha.
After lunch, my parents went to Lexington to go to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert at Rupp Arena. That was my 5th time seeing them, but they never ever get old, and their shows are always amazing.
Relationship situation has had its share of ups and downs lately too, but things are calming down. We're slowly working things out and learning so much more about each other as well. It's a slow process, but I know things will be fine.
Other issues are starting to worry me a bit though. I'm so glad to be done with school, which means I will have more time to devote to working out regularly and being more conscious of what I eat. There's two sides to every story though, and while it will allow me to lose weight again, I know my habits and mindset are not normal, nor are they healthy when it comes to weight issues and my problem with food. I don't know. It's impossible for me to be normal with it, and so difficult to be healthy in my habits involving my weight. I know I can do it though. Conscious monitoring of my food restarts tomorrow, so let's hope I do well with it. If it weren't for my consistent headaches this week, I'd probably fast tomorrow and use it as a detox day, but I really don't want to pretty much ask for another migraine.
I just have a lot on my mind right now I suppose. But it's almost a new week, which is a good time to start fresh. And I suppose despite all my doubts, I know what needs to be done
<3.
 | Currently listening :
Never Gone
By Backstreet Boys
Release date: 14 June, 2005  |
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/okay.gif) lethargic
| | |
|
|
